some people don’t understand things, not because they are stupid or unaware but because they feel and perceive differently. those that do not understand make it easiest to escape from yourself because they wouldn’t understand that person; they allow you to feel normal because you have no choice. that is really helpful for people like me. sometimes, i need to be forced to do my laundry, or pay a bill because my own will isn’t strong enough to drive me to do it. i need to be forced into situations where i can act and feel normal, where my sullen and sorrowful thoughts aren’t welcomed because people wouldn’t understand.
this world we live in is trying to hard to fight the good fight against everything bad, everything has become so black and white. what if there is some truth to prejudice, what if there is some rational explanation for crime, what if there is some good in bad? what if there isn’t but if we don’t take a minute to ask those questions, we jump to conclusions and make irrational decisions that, in the proactive cases become irrational actions. what if these stigmas attached to mental illness protect those in denial, and keep the right amount of people ignorant so that those that understand it can have a reason to suspend reality for a second.
i suppose that is my perception, though. for myself, being around those who don’t understand gives me reason to act like someone else that they would understand, and some days i like that person a lot better because if you aren’t real, your problems can’t be either, right? if this happy peppy person is what appears when others are around, she isn’t me, which means whatever happens can’t be a problem because it is affecting this peppy and upbeat person who knows to toss them over her shoulder like coins into a fountain, wishing the best of luck… for them. that would be swell but this girl - the whole girl, peppy AND sullen - feels emotional events on a different level; both happy and sad as if that is the full spectrum. when things happen that provoke emotion - which is nearly everything, even walking through the rain - the feelings penetrate that barrier and head to the core. it is almost as if there is a layer surrounding my mind, comprised of happy, outgoing and friendly with a dash of wit. the inner core is the dirt the flowers are planted in. it is the reason flowers grow but it is also the reason they die. if something makes it past the semi-penetrable layer, it is deeper than superficial… to me. this is what perception is all about. information comes in one way but is felt and experienced uniquely.
sometimes my mind is a scramble, it is most noticeable in what i write because it is so busy in there i forget where i’m headed. sometimes i forget my name is Lisa. maybe because the person i have become is not someone i recognize. i’ve been this way for a few years now, so one would think i would know who i am, or at least recognize what i am. deep down inside i know this isn’t how i am supposed to be, and i am trying to change that. everything is just terrifying to me. getting out of bed every morning is hard because i am scared. scared to fail because i am so easy to accept it as my fate. scared to be alone, scared of losing people and scared of these emotions. all with just reason, that i am certain. i know why i am afraid, why i am this way… but i just don’t know what will change it… i know how to and i want to but i’m scared to live life constantly trying and looking for something or someone to be and not finding it. i’m scared to start looking because i fear i’ll never find what i was put here for. i’m afraid to be meaningless